Have you recently been in a place where you can't sleep for the poison coursing through your body? The poison of fear, anger, anxiety. I found myself there late last week. It started with a conversation and ended with a read of comments on a Facebook post. And now I was in it. I was in the throes of overwhelm. I could feel it coursing through my body like a poison. My heart rate was up and I felt so much discomfort in the energy of my body. I felt on fire - literally. My nerve endings felt on fire. Even retelling this I can start to feel it well up in my body again. Deep breath in, Shelley. Slow releasing breath out.
My mind was struggling for a response. It kept tuning into that negative channel and the futile exercise of what I could write or say in response to what had agitated me. And then finally a voice came into me. Whether it was my own mind or soul, or a voice outside myself that said, "Stop!". And so I stopped and forced myself to not think or move a muscle for 3 seconds. And then it said, "Move" - more gently than it said stop ;). So I got out of bed and did some stretching and yoga. Nothing traditional I just moved and stretched in ways that felt relieving.
I suddenly felt the need to sit very still. And in my mind popped the vision of my hands in front of me holding a pill capsule - a poison pill. For whatever reason it was navy and had an energy of navy blue - but it's edges were a lighter blue and radiant. And what that pill represented was the poison I was choosing to ingest in my daily life - the negative I was feeding myself with. I had chosen to read that Facebook post AND the comments. I had chosen to let my body absorb the negative read of a conversation. I was feeding myself poison. And I had a choice not to do that. I had a choice not to make myself suffer that feeling of poison coursing through my body. The poison pill in my hands represented a visualization of the choice to put "that which doesn't feed me" into my body.
We get caught up in the heaviness of struggle. In the ego. Really, doesn't it all feel so heavy? How can I pursue bringing light into the world when I am coming from a place of heaviness - and of ego? Ego is so heavy. Wanting to be right is so heavy. Fear is so heavy. We suffer. We suffer from our attachments to outcomes that are beyond our control. We suffer in our attachments to things that don't feed our soul.
How do we begin to ease our suffering? I guess it can start with tangible things like setting boundaries for ourselves around social media, and within our relationships. You can have a relationship with someone you don't fully agree with if you set respectful boundaries. For me, it also involves remembering that I am a spiritual being living a physical existence. The perspective that my soul/spirit is on a journey of learning, manifested in my current physical form. And of being aware of the illusions that will be placed in front of me to divert me from what is of true importance to me in my journey. When I feel like I start to get drawn down into the mud, I know I have attached myself to ideas or ways that are not feeding me on my journey.
I can still have ideas and beliefs of what is right and just for this world. I am living a physical existence here on Earth surrounded by other souls working through their own journey. But if it is coming from a true place, devoid of ego, then I will find the right ideas, the right time, the right people, the right place, and the right manner to share or exercise those beliefs. You can plant seeds but your ego can't be attached to whether they will flower or not. And intention is so important in planting seeds. If I am planting a seed that is watered with ego, fear and anger, what type of plant do I expect to grow? If I am planting a seed that is watered with love and good intentions then maybe a plant will grow that will spread the same.
Always know that the true spirit of me, embraces the true spirit of you.
In light and love,
Shelley
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